tradha

There are core memories and are used to build islands based on the major involvements in our lives. This was perhaps one of the major climax scenes in the movie “Inside out”. I really have a vague idea as to what exactly is the definition of core memories, but I have always been astonished as to why there has never been a fear island in the movie. I am a 32-year-old man with a budding business and a happy little family. My daughter turned two recently and as today is Sunday the entire family went out for brunch. It has been a tradition since the time I got married. Today my daughter has selected the movie Inside out and that’s what got me wondering about islands exactly the same way I had when I watched the film for the first time at sixteen. I do not know which scene is going on as my mind is stuck on the island scene and that’s how my train of the past thoughts has started yet again.

I was born into the most ordinary household. My mom was always emotional regarding anything related to me and well, dad was more concerned in figuring out as to what I would become when I grew up. They used to click so many pictures and mom spent hours arranging an album with literally my entire childhood. So basically it was a very ordinary happy household and my birth was no more dramatic. I don’t want to sound as bragging but I was an extremely cute kid and maybe that’s why I used to get away with many mischiefs. I was one of the naughtiest kids according to mom and slightly a spoilt kid. It seems once I had to be dragged out of a store as I wouldn’t leave when my parents had refused to buy me a toy. I was so angry that my mom couldn’t make me do my homework and for three whole days I was sulking around doing exactly opposite of what they asked me of. I was not a prefect kid but I was a perfectly ordinary slightly spoilt child.

Now it is almost time for my daughter to join pre-school and it seems for kids too now-a-days there are entrance examinations. So like many parents I too enrolled her into a tuition class where it seems the kids are prepared to face the examinations. When I am outside waiting for my daughter to finish her classes all the parents start chattering and discussing mostly about the respective wards. I too laugh and let out how naughty my girl is. Just loving to have fast food and sulking at milk and falling asleep just when her mom asks her to sit down to study. She is a naughty two-year-old. I know it’s out of light hearted humour that the parents refer to their kids’ mischiefs as them not being a normal kid. For them they haven’t seen out of the “normal” things. A child listening to everything a parent asks to do or eating properly is the definition of normal for them. It would have been for me too had I not known what in reality the intensity of weird situations can go to when there is, in its literal meaning, an “abnormal” child being born into any family.

When I was three, my little sister was born and I was beyond happy to finally have someone to play with and not be alone all the time. But as a child she was so different. According to the normal definition of today’s parents she was beyond normal. She hardly cried, always used to do whatever mom and dad asked her to do without bickering or complaining. She was a really isolated kid hardly talking to anyone even not me. I was such a naughty child that I wouldn’t even care that she was so quiet. I was more drawn towards playing with her and well, all the time I used to be behind her and make her play with me. As we were starting to grow, as it happens we started going to school and as she never asked me to spend time with her we grew slightly apart. But on her fifth birthday, she for the first time came to me to see if I was interested to open the gifts with her. Needless to say I was overjoyed. Finally, she had opened up and we could again be playing and having that intimate brother-sister relationship. I remember that day so distinctly and that happiness even I was as young as 8 years of age.

It is I think the most natural thing for parents to worry about a quiet child more than a naughty one. I have seen my parents worrying about my sister as to what will she do if mom and dies. She wouldn’t have friends and how would she crack a job interview and who would marry her. Naturally, mom and dad tried their level best to get her to make friends and open up. Sometimes they were sweet and sometimes when they lost the patience they used to be quite harsh about it. They used to tell if she didn’t change her ways the society wouldn’t accept her. On worse days she was even told she would be the reason for the defaming of our family. I knew even at school she was having a hard time. By the age of 10 she was already tagged as “weirdo” in her school. The only person around whom she was slightly talkative was around me. I sometimes tried to talk to our parents but even I was 13. Nobody really paid heed to my words.

Suddenly one day she came to my room and told very quietly that she hated mom and dad. That day was one of the bad days. Our parents were beginning to hear taunts and insults about the weird nature of their daughter. Mom out of exasperation told her she was going to be a burden. For the first time maybe she retaliated and then there were more screams from mom and joined by dad. But she was already out of the room and had supper all by herself. She was in her room with the door locked and it was only after our parents went to bed that she came to me. I was really touched to see her like that. She said something about being happy if there was harm bestowed upon our parents. I understood that she was angry at our parents but still did my best to try to explain their good intentions and how much they loved her. She nodded and left the room. I didn’t feel she was convinced though.

The next day my parents had gone down to the supermarket and when they returned I saw they were making way to home with a big lump on their heads and both were limping. At the supermarket a shelf of tinned food had overturned and fallen on them and they were hurt though it was nothing serious. I still have no reason why but I instinctively looked at my sister and the fact that she was smiling gave me the chills. It was almost a victory smile. Her wish from the previous night had been fulfilled.

I tried not to think much about it. In fact, I slowly started to forgot the incident till her annual function incident. I think she was 14 and all were preparing for the annual function is school and as usual my sister was sitting quietly in the classroom. A boy had come and saw her and called her an ugly bimbo. Generally, she was known to remain calm but that day I think she went ahead and slapped that boy. A fight erupted. Parents were called and after a long meeting things were sorted. When she came home, I went to her to let her know that the boy had been wrong and not her. She was angry and humiliated. I knew that because she was crying and sobbing. She almost croaked that the boy should be so hurt that he wouldn’t be able to do anything till the time he doesn’t mend his ways. The next day he slipped on the stairs and hit his lip on the corner of the stairs got serious head injuries too. Needless to say, I was beyond shocked and confronted her. She said it as a matter fact of tone that her wishes would come true always. I so badly wished she was kidding but I knew her. She never joked.

I think that was when my downfall began. I got nervy and jumpy whenever anything bad happened. I started getting so scared of her I used to shiver even if she was simply standing near me. I started going to depression and the beginning of body spasms had begun. I was constantly worried about losing mom and dad, about something happening to me. My health condition got pretty serious. Sister used to come my room to ask about me and I just had to gather up my strength to not pass out due to the fear. She had turned 15. She wanted to talk to me. And when she said that I couldn’t control my fear and passed out. I had to be rushed to the hospital and by this time I was scared and also getting really tired of being scared. When I was at home and recovering slowly, she had come to ask if I was doing well. I had had enough of keeping things within myself. I told her maybe she was the biggest reason of my condition. She was really blank at that accusation. I had not paid any attention to that and continued ranting. I was scared of her and I told her on her face. I didn’t want such a dangerous creepy person near me and be terrorised. At some point I might have said things much more horrible which are somewhat blur now. She had tried to speak out. I only remember fragments now. It seems that she had realised whatever power she had was dangerous and learnt to control of it. She felt very guilty when she had seen the condition of that boy in the nursing home and promised herself that she would have a control over her thoughts and there have been almost no more such incidents where people were hurt. But as it happens, a scared person can never be talked into sense and same was the case with me. I just wouldn’t listen to anything.

When she saw there was no effect of her words on me, she quietly went out of my room. The next morning is something I wouldn’t forget. I didn’t feel anything. I was numb. My sister was lying dead in the bathroom. She had slipped and cracked her skull and bled to death.

After a few days suddenly I woke up. I was sweating and something was disturbing me. I think the loss had hit me for the first time then. And more than grief I was engulfed with guilt. You see I thought I was scared for myself and our parents. When in reality I should also have been scared for her.

Our last words to each other before she left my room will forever haunt me. I somehow remember every word of it.

I had shouted at her. “You have always been weird and you do know that you can be a murderess and nobody can arrest you even. All you need to so is wish. A ticking time bomb you are and can burst at any time. But I don’t care anymore and now you may leave. I just wish you hadn’t been here, then none of these wouldn’t have happened.”

She said, “You should know that I have always loved you the most and I can never ever wish you any harm. Really sorry. I am leaving and your wish will be fulfilled.” She smiled and left.

From the beginning of my final year in college I prayed for one thing the most for which people might actually consider kicking me in the shin. “God please let my college life get over real soon now that the time is almost over.” This was my wish every single day of the last semesters.

Being an introvert almost since I stepped into this world I had a really tough time coping with the glamorous life every college provides. My extra homesick nature made things worse. The truth is in my four years of college I have succeeded in making a handful of friends who are like family and they are the reason I am not a college dropout. But again I am really socially awkward and it doesnt help in the social events, fests and gatherings which make me feel more left out. This is not due to the fact people are not trying to get me comfortable, it’s just my own shell which I am unable to break easily. So the natural consequence of this was that I started to come home whenever I came to know there was an upcoming social event of some sort.

And as natural is setting of sun, my friends are all extremely extroverted. They are surrounded by people and are outgoing in every event. I actually love them for the way they are and how busy they stay and I understand the ambitions of everyone because I am extremely ambitious. But again there is a small part which wants to be having such a happening life so as to have millions of memories like most of the people. To be honest 90% of my memories are confined to classes and the hostel.

I cant say there havent been bad memories in college. People sometimes assume as having too much attitude due to my reserved nature. There are many other incidents which eventually turn into bad memories. There is that ray of hope that after college things might take a better turn. Hence that wish always.

But I have realized one thing when college suddenly came to a stop due to this pandemic corona virus. I feel bad that our college life ending has been so abrupt and with so many loose ends. We will have examinations for sure but the procedure is not like a natural one. I would actually love to bid farewell to my friends after the examinations having gone to the classes and staying for a little more time in my hostel room. The reason is after this as job life begins, things will never be as carefree as now. I do want the end of my student life to be good and memorable so that entering into the job would be with memories of student life and not with the student life which is ending with so many uncertainties and fear.

So I actually hope that corona virus ends soon because watching the suffering of the whole world is not pleasant. The people getting infected and succumbing to the virus is the saddest thing and it has been going on for months. The students crying over the future, the economy crashing, the struggle of the poor people are heart wrenching too. So I strongly wish now that this pandemic comes to and end real soon.

tradha

FOREVER AND EVER

The story

Abrupt ending of a final year college student: Introvert perspective

Working mothers